This is what I have stuck in my head as I’m trying to go to sleep. Thanks, weird brain.
Beetlejuice - Jump In The Line - Harry Belafonte
So. It’s 1am. I really meant to go to bed at 11pm. But, things happen.
It’s always a process, getting ready for your real life after you return from vacation. Or when you return from any sort of interruption of your normal life, for that matter. There’s the unpacking, the needed groceries, the cleaning, and the catching up on friends’ lives. That was today for me. I always like days like today.
But, as I said, I meant to go to bed two hours ago. So, why am I on here, writing this? Because days like today make me think, more than normal I mean. As I was doing some unplanned laundry, getting lunch ready for tomorrow, and trying to plan out my exercise schedule, all I could think of was the movie I just watched. It was About Time. The romantic comedy with that younger British guy who was just in Frank, Rachel McAdams, and Bill Nighy. I loved it. And I kept thinking about it. Or, I should say, I kept feeling it.
I haven’t been watching romantic comedies a whole lot over the last five or so years. Truthfully, I’ve been avoiding them. I know this won’t surprise a lot of people who only know me on the surface: I think I can come off as a snob (and therefore won’t like cheesy rom-coms) in a lot of areas; food, beer, and movies in particular. But I promise you, I’m really not a snob in any of those areas. At least, I don’t think so. And I’m especially not one with movies. I’ll watch anything. And for the most part, I do. And I always really liked rom-coms growing up. One of my favorite movies in high school was The Object of My Affection, mainly because, damn, was Jennifer Aniston perfect in that. And I very much wanted to date someone like her. So, I loved that movie. But, around the end of my college years, I started avoiding movies like that. They just made me sad. And I don’t mind movies that make me sad. But this was different. They got to me in a way I didn’t like. There was this girl, and, well, I just didn’t have a whole lot of hope but at the same time, it’s all I hoped and thought about. I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t stand to watch movies that got to me anymore.
Here and there, I’ve watched some. I’ve liked most of them, I think, but at the moment I can’t name one that sticks out. The movies I’ve liked the most are ones that seemed deeper, more complex, and I guess “more realistic” in my eyes. Movies like Inside Llewyn Davis that don’t have a clear plot line, sort of feel “stuck” and feature characters that are most certainly “stuck.” Kind of, because, I guess I feel a bit stuck. And because I still really am bothered by things not working out perfect like I wanted them to, and it’s nice to see that play out in so many other ways on screen. I feel those movies. And not many of my friends like them. These movies don’t have a broad appeal in general. So, part of it may be because I feel like they’re more “mine” than they can be for others. I’m not completely sure why, but all of those reasons are why I’ve been drawn to some movies and away from rom-coms.
Well, I’ve wanted to see About Time since I saw the first trailer, and despite my subconscious efforts to not watch it, I had to, finally. And I don’t regret it. I don’t want to review the movie, really, or give anything away. But either it’s a bit deeper than some movies like it, or I’m just better at finding meaning in whatever you put in front of me. Like I said, I felt it. It made me think about how I approach each sometimes monotonous day, how I think about some people in my life, and how I think about relatives dying. I texted a friend when it was about 3/4 of the way through that I don’t like rom-coms because I’m always afraid they’ll screw it up somehow. I feel so awkward. And that’s it, isn’t it? I think I know it’ll be ruined, and the tension gets to me. And then, if it isn’t ruined, I guess I just feel a little empty subconsciously because of things from my life. I don’t know. That’s a bit deep, but it’s something like that.
I really liked the movie though. It helps that Rachel McAdams almost always plays someone you know you’d be friends with and probably develop a huge crush on. And you think you’ll mess it up, just like whoever is after her, but they don’t mess it up, so hell maybe you won’t either! Maybe. Anyways… I did really like it. And, after thinking about my life and what this movie made me think about, I then thought about my film blog, Torn Stubs. See, I don’t update it, ever. I want to, but I don’t. There’s lots of reasons why, but they aren’t important right now. Next, I thought about writing this post. Why did I start a totally separate film blog to begin with? What was my goal? Well, I didn’t really have one. I just wanted to. I do that a lot. I just do something. I don’t think about it, I don’t plan it, I just do it. Sometimes this is very good. If I could apply that in some areas of my life, I’d be doing much better. Sometimes though, this is not good. You must plan things and think things through at times, and I don’t.
So, why don’t I just “review” or talk about movies on here? Because for some reason I thought I needed to be specific on a blog for it to go anywhere. I wanted a “brand” I guess. I called this blog Hopeless Fanatic because that’s what I thought I was. It’s the description I’d give myself when it comes to the things I love and how I go through my life. I don’t really have a strategy, I just kind of move about.
I should write more on here, about things I really care about. That’s why I’m doing this. Staying up much later than I hoped. Because it’s important for me to be myself, even if I sound really dumb and do really dumb things in the process.
It can be really frustrating going on vacation with your parents. But I’m very thankful I have parents to go on vacation with, and that we go to some very nice places. I feel bad when I get frustrated with them, because a lot of the things I get mad about are things I do myself. I just try and, I don’t know, explain what I know, in some sort of reverse advice kind of way. And I get mad because if they don’t get it now, then how will I? Or am I just being an idiot?
We flew through Minneapolis each way on this trip. On the way back, we had a three hour layover. I didn’t want to, but I looked at the city from the air, and I thought it was quite beautiful. Which makes me hate it more. I thought about her quite a bit when I was there, and while we were on vacation. I think the same things I thought when I started to get over everything, only more clearly. Which is good. And I’m pretty confident if she walked up to me, I really wouldn’t want to talk to her. Not in a “I’m dreading this” kind of way or a “I hate you go away” kind of way. What I mean is, I just don’t want to have you in my life. I can explain why, but it won’t matter. I feel really foolish for things that happened. And I talk to myself under my breath and have a sort of involuntary cursing fit thinking about those things when I think about those things. But what it really comes down to, is I got hurt, badly, and even though I’m better and over it, it’s always going to hurt. And if she were to walk up to me, I know I’d be polite, but in the end I’d just tell her to go away. And no, that wouldn’t give me any “closure.” I don’t think it works like that. But that’s what I got for now.
There’s a girl I’ve gotten closer with. I should probably not be a loser and tell her how I feel about her. I don’t know if things will work out. And honestly, I’m not optimistic. But I should tell her. Not because I’m lonely (I am), not because I need a girlfriend (I do), not because she’s really fucking hot (she is), and not even because I think we kind of understand each other and for me, I don’t think many people understand me in that way (this is all true), but because you should compliment someone when you sincerely mean it. And I think caring about someone in a certain way is the best compliment you can give them.
My last thought is, I should get back to reading more. If I do that and write like this more often, perhaps my attention span will return. I don’t “miss it” but I do think I need it.
- Hopeless Fanatic